The Quest

Stumbling my way through an insipid existence I always felt the need for a Manual to life. Where all others seem to be doing it effortlessly, even pretending to enjoy the experience, for me living appeared to be a chore that simply had to be done. 

Looking back...that was a million years ago..I am thankful for those moments of constant questioning and the occasional languid season of reckless living. For those were my moments of being born...the soul signaling the I for all that was to come and learn.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." — Rumi

Rapture!

What some see as my adventurous life, is a quest for finding the answers that began many moons ago in another lifetime. I am happy that the trail has led me to new discoveries both within and without. The quest continues....

Soria Moria by Theodor Kittelsen (a painting depicting a famous Norwegian folklore)

My perception of the self keeps changing with my most recent experiences but as of today, I most identify the self with this character out of the Norwegian folklore!

Dieu Merci

The drops come..one at a time at first..silken..shy...breezy. Then all of a sudden the sky breaks out and it began pouring! The rain gods were dancing - a full on hip hop! 

My Frangipani plant

I gingerly step out on my now rain washed terrace to soak my soul in the magic of the Delhi monsoon. The rain waltz on around me and I am removed so far away from any where. A transcendent moment...life stops or moves too fast. I have always enjoyed my humble abode but today, at this moment, it feels like I am home.

 And this is how you find me.

Longing for a break

The usual spring in my step gives way to a lethargic drag. I bribe myself to get up from the bed every Monday morning and immediately begin to count hours to the next weekend!

Yearnings for a place never before visited...dreams of long rainy/overcast days stretched out like the unending sky...hands itching to reach out to the piles of newly bought unread books...July usually does that to me! 


Out of the many self realizations that have been off late making their presence felt this one hits home hard..!! Whatever happened to the girl who could go months and even years without so much as a blink or a nudge for a break? Now I need a vacation every quarter (well at least once every two quarters!)..

The need to get away gets stronger each week - I am drawing up lists of places that I have visited and want to go again, the ones that I have never been to and the lists keep getting longer every time. 

..a little more time...commitment at work calls..but till then I try to keep my head above the water with memories of holidays past...

Milestone

The birthday morning dawned..fresh and new..carrying with it new joys, dreams and reminders of beautiful gifts of friendships near and afar..... 

Reflections

...The last four decades flew as if I had the wings of a butterfly - the text has been written…the commentary, yet to come.... 

Adieu 2010

Another year comes to an end - bringing closure to a year of fulfilled dreams and answered prayers. Some lost hopes as well - only to be seen as blessings in hindsight - yet leaving an empty taste of nothingness and an equally strong desire to be satiated. A year of new found passions, opportunities for new journeys both within and without...!

Here's to Life...!!!!

Tomorrow is another day, another month, another year! Wishing you all a very happy New Year 2011!!!

Memories

"When you come to me unbidden

Beckoning me

To long-ago rooms

Where memories lie

Offering me, as to a child, an attic

Gatherings of days too few

Baubles of stolen kisses

Trinkets of borrowed loves

Trunks of secret words,

I Cry."

Words mean different things to different people. This poem of Maya Angelou is one of my favorites - always bringing the imminent hint of long misplaced memories. Though it talks of forgotten loves and secret rendezvous, for me for some reason this poem is reminiscent of forgotten scents and fragrances :)) 

Lodi Garden on a foggy morning

- fragrance of forgotten smells from a childhood home...morning walks in the park - of couples - young and old - walking hand in hand..and early morning joggers breaking into impromptu runs, of foggy smoky winter mornings and of blowing smokes in the air as a child waiting for the school bus...

- memories of childhood games of hide and seek and lost and found..scent of secret whispers on a misty night reading Enid Blyton, Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys.. playing at secret societies with whispered passwords and girlish games of playing house...

- memories of a kitchen after a  day's baking...steam from the nth cup of tea hitting the nostrils on a winter-y pre-exam night...of late night distress calls to friends to discuss that last chapter in the syllabus that one always thought to be unimportant but of course was not anymore..

- and later more recent fragrant memories of long evenings with friends and early morning lie ins......, playing at being grown up as a confused teenager..., the first taste of wine..., the first experimental smoke...and the guilty smell of a sudden thrill that comes from finally breaking the barriers.....

I rejoice as I recall some of those sweet forgotten smells and sounds...but there are still scores of those tiny little incidents - so brazenly important at that time but now forgotten and lost ......like the words of a much loved song that was once known to heart.......

  

Little Woman

She has the look of an emaciated child woman. Carrying her load of bundles full of clothes, she stutters along the street, gaunt and pale. Yet the smile on her lips belies her physical state. There is still that twinkle in her eyes - a reminiscent of her former self.

She walks up the two floors to my apartment, out of breath and paler for the effort. As I open the door, the shock that may have registered on my face on seeing her, clouds her own. Then she smiled. I smiled back and asked her to come in. She struggles with her shoes and I tell her to leave them on. She is here on on old errand - I ask her how is that she is back. She tells me that the doctors at the hospital told her she can go home so here she was. She may have to go back again but for now she feels fine, she says. I struggle to keep my tears in check and giver her my clothes for ironing. She counts them one by one and slyly asks for her Diwali gift. I give her a mock stare and then give in :))

As she turns to go I ask her when will I see her again. She smiles - It was only cancer. Now I am fine, she says. I will be back. Matter of fact - just like that. I am shaken by her calm, matter of fact statement. As she jumps down the stairs I call out to her to remind that I want to see her grades for the session. She nods, smiles and then laughs. I was away from school the whole year, remember? That smile again...

She leaves me wondering if I could ever find that strength to deal with such pain in such a no nonsense manner. My grandmom would have said, this is God talking to me - showing the colours of life on this earth and how it is to never give up on the face of adversity.



Colours of life....

She is more than just an ordinary child for me. She has been a face that reminds me of another..someone close ..who once was and is now lost. The little girl is all of eleven years old - the other would have been eleven now.

Kaifi aur Main

An unusual weekday evening. The play transported me into another world. A true story of a beautiful love that lasted over five decades and still exists in some other realm..poignantly portrayed by an emotive daughter and her husband..I am moved beyond words and feel the sensitive Urdu poetry sieve through my soul.

....what it is to feel a love and bond so strong?...

....to be able to live and share a life so fulfilling?..

....not to live as if apologizing for one's existence?...

....rather challenging one's dreams into reality?....

I move around the house pensive ..thoughtful...unconsciously picking beads of my life trying to string all those individual orphan moments .,,.the play has left my heart somewhat heavy ...not depressed but thoughtful...I hope (and pray) the pieces all fit together someday...!!

For once I have no picture to share....what I feel is beyond any image....perhaps each one of us would paint our own in different colors ....mine is a blank canvas for now...what could I show for a vaccum anyway?

Rose..

Woke up to a full bloom rose this morning!!!! Such a pleasant surprise..I don't remember noticing this bud while watering my pots each morning -  it was like nature wishing me a happy weekend. :))

Re...a drop of golden sun..

afternoon sunlight filtering through my terrace

The afternoon sun filtering through my terrace captures my imagination and I rush to grab my camera :)) the play of light and shadows is captivating and I sit through watching it for a few minutes - mesmerized...wonders that the nature has in store for us..to show how everyday is different from others. I am sure this light was here yesterday, the day before and the day before that but I was too busy to notice it. It catches me unawares today.....!

Image specs:
Nikon D 90
Exposure - 1/400 sec
f/ 3.5
ISO 200 

Frames

A self acclaimed photographer, I constantly find myself attracted to frames...to people too...but I like frames..doors..., window panes..., arches..you get the drift..here are a couple that recently caught my attention...

Now some of my philosophical friends may try to interpret me with these...like dreams.....if I click more doors that open towards me than the ones that turn away from me  - does that signify that I am self obsessed?? ....no mystery there!! ....as anyone who knows me for half a minute will say ..:))


....this one was interesting...and before you start getting any ideas - this isn't I with my significant other or anyone I know...this was a couple who were actually having a major argument (from what I could make out with my limited knowledge of marathi and a lot of guess work)...but anyone who looks at them in this picture would hardly guess that....quite the contrary!.......that's the power of an image for you!

..continuing with doors....

there are some that are inviting......

....and some that make you respect their privacy....

some  frames create a boundary in anticipation of something...give the inner space a meaning for what goes on inside its sanctum...urges the viewer to imagine the life that goes on within its sphere...


....and then there are spaces which do not need a boundary to define them...limitless yet definitive...pure sanctuaries..created by nature....


...what's your fancy?

...Friends...my bridge across the world

I realized that I have been totally slack in keeping my blog up to date. The days all seemed to pass by in  flurry of activities..I have never been so disorganized in my entire life..but must say I like the new me..carefree..disorganized..taking each moment as it comes and am so loving it! :-)

Life has been extremely generous to me always..even when I perceived to be at its roughest there was a certain kindness in the way it kept bringing me hopes and cherished memories in the form of friendships that most people only dream to have. There are some of those friendships who are still with me..having seen me through ups and downs and others who have moved on - having provided the support that I needed at that time. Thank you wherever you are..be good and be yourself!

So long......so long...!

....and just when I thought I have had my share of good fortune...I find myself facing new possibilities and a promise of a future that I could never have dreamt of....in all of these I continue to be God's favourite child still...in little forms and big ones He shows me that there is someone out there watching for me....more importantly for me his generosity keeps manifesting in the new friendships that I stumble into on my way and the old ones that keep going strong(er)...

This one is for you my loyal friends..old and new...for being there and watching out for me..for defending me when needed....for making me the person I am ...and forever raising the bar..love and hugs...

friends....

Rain

It is raining in Delhi like it has never rained before - at least not in the last sixteen years that it has been my home. It begins with a light drizzle, builds up to a full on thunderstorm and simply lashes itself on the poor unsuspecting delhities throughout the day. The only things that seem inordinately happy are my plants!!

My terrace is alive with potted plants that look washed and bathed and finally seem to be breathing once again after the scorch and dullness of the summer heat. They appear to be dancing to the tune of the rain dance and I am almost sure that I could hear their cheerful chatter if I would listen close enough. I found this particular bunch of leaves so eager to be captured by my camera this morning..the drizzle had not yet started and they appeared all made up and pretty as you please..couldn't resist ...ah the little pleasures of life!

Prankster

I have fuzzy memories of my childhood..long walks home from an aunt's with my grandfather..moonlit balmy nights in small town north India...the cherished ice cream cone treats on a summer afternoon..long winded fairy tale evenings with grandmom....an average Indian childhood for an average Indian girl child...

..but some memories are vividly implanted in a corner of the brain, usually reserved for thoughts best forgotten..one such is of a street urchin who chose to inhabit the locality and would play pranks on us young girls - we would run away from his mere sight..frightened and screaming... leaving him full of glee and reveling in his success!

abandoned!

Thinking about him later in life I was never sure if he really existed or was a figment of my imagination ....until...I saw him the other day at a busy intersection in New Delhi...and as if just to prove his existence he agreed to be clicked...

Perspective

I have always been shy of being a follower..more so when it comes to unraveling the mysteries of the spiritual world. I (almost) have a physical reaction to following a set of instructions that ought to raise the voice of my soul  louder than the voice of reason. Taking on a guru or a spiritual path is not my way to understand this world..neither is being completely averse to getting to know about a particular sect or a religion. I prefer to listen to everyone and sieving that information to my level of conscious being..if it makes sense for me - I am in.. if not - its a matter of perspective...as one of my favorite characters in a book says..there are points of views and then there are viewing points...

an aerial view of Ladakh

talking about points of view...here is one..

Silence

Silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation". - Rumi, the 13th century sufi mystic...

For someone who is so used to living with herself I thought I knew all about Silence. On reading this quote from Rumi, I am sitting here wondering if I have been misinterpreting silences all my life..my own and those of others?

Usually when I am outwardly silent my mind is spinning a thousand yarns all going in multiple directions. Is that God talking to me or is it I making a poor attempt at translating Godspeak?

There are silences that hurt..badly wanting to be broken but we doggedly continue the status quo and then there are the ones that cry out loud for attention - yet we refuse to acknowledge its presence.

Silence from friends mean they are preoccupied and the ones from loved one that they are ignoring us..all things getting lost in translation..and the only way to untangle the myth is let God speak to us through that another.

What do you get when you divide silence by half?

It is disconcerting to know that I have been re interpreting translations all my life..it is time to learn the language of God.